Funny Status Messages

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering? Horse? Catapult? Helicopter drop? Santa?

   If you wash your jeans after wearing them only once, you're doing it wrong.

   Parents today are spending thousands of dollars "child-proofing" their home. When I was little we stuck our fork in the wall socket ONE time. Our parents let us do it, and they saved thousands of dollars.

   You know you haven't gotten enough sleep when you wake up and your mouth still smells like toothpaste.

   Age will never matter when it comes to laziness. I still wish I could shoot magic out of my finger to get things done.

   When you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop sign, don't be surprised when I make you work for it.

   neighborhood walker: Who are you talking to on the cell at 6:30 in the morning?

   I'd just like to thank my clothes for taking themselves off in the middle of the night when it's too hot, without even waking me up. Job well done.

   If you haven't sharpened your lawnmower blades in over five years, you're not cutting the grass, you're combing it.

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

   sleeping on the bottom bunk when I was younger wasn't easy.....Its hard to sleep with a raincoat on.

   I wonder if everybody is still Kung Fu fightng.

   Never trust anyone who says "Im not supposed to tell anyone but..."

   I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

   No grandma it's not "50 percent and acorn," it's 50 Cent and Akon.

   See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   The difference between "like" "love" and "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever."

   Nothing beats going through last night's drunk texts to find a sexy convo you were having.

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.