Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 570 of 6446

Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.
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11-20-2019 15:14
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The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room
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11-20-2019 13:31 by Rickster
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I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
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11-19-2019 10:37
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YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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11-18-2019 08:49
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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11-18-2019 08:48
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You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
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11-18-2019 08:48
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interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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11-18-2019 08:47
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if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry
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11-18-2019 08:47
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I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.
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11-18-2019 08:46
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(First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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11-18-2019 08:46
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*
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11-18-2019 08:46
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dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
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11-18-2019 08:44
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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11-18-2019 08:43
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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11-18-2019 08:43
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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11-18-2019 08:43
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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11-18-2019 08:42
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A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.
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11-18-2019 08:42
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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11-18-2019 08:41
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I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.
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11-18-2019 01:07
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Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.
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11-17-2019 21:42
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