Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!

   Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.

   The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?