Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   At the summit breakfast as Boris left the table he said cherrio to Donald who responded no Honey Bunches of Oats.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   Remember the time when you said that you hire the best people, then all those people went to prison? That was awesome!

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.