Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .

   My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored

   when is it too late to have a baby shower ? cause my mama never had one when she was pregnant with me & I need some clothes

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   Believing Ru$$ian disinformation over US intelligence makes you a commie lover and your grandfathers must be turning in their graves with shame.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you see on Facebook is you never know if they're authentic or not. Albert Einstein,

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   I see they brought back Lincoln Logs. I remember those."Let's see, what should I make? I know, a cabin!"

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.