Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Biden's economic policy makes about as much sense as fragrance free perfume...

   My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

   "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   My wedding will be open casket.

   It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.