Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it's just my cat food.

   *Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.

   Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   I used to have a large ceramic container full of soap but everybody was afraid to use it because... It was a croc o' Dial.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.