Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5605 of 6373
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wonders if someone driving a VW bug knows they are causing fistfights wherever they go.
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09-15-2010 22:06 by markf
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Man you cant be old and have that blue 200 flush cleaner. I have blue ballz now cause they sag so low
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09-15-2010 21:57
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Whenever I receive an email from "MAILER-DAEMON" I feel like I should have my inbox blessed by a priest.
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09-15-2010 21:40
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I can't explain why but whenever I see a blind person, I instinctively refuse to say or do anything to alert them that I'm there. Instead, I stealthily scoot to the side as they pass me. It's what a ninja must feel like all the time.
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09-15-2010 21:28
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I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."
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09-15-2010 21:26
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Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.
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09-15-2010 21:19
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When I have visitors in town, my tour guide instincts kick in and I show them as much as I can. “That's the grocery store I go to.” “I work out there.” “I've made out with a girl on that bench.” “I've peed behind that dumpster." I hope
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09-15-2010 21:14
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Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.
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09-15-2010 21:07
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You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.
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09-15-2010 19:51
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The only reason I ever check my voicemail is to clear the notification.
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09-15-2010 19:50
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I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.
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09-15-2010 19:47
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A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is.
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09-15-2010 19:46
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Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.
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09-15-2010 19:45
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I feel like I'm beeing internet stalked
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09-15-2010 19:02
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have you noticed that all ugly people say, beauty is within and all rich people say, money don't buy you happiness ;)
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09-15-2010 18:55 by sven
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My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.
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09-15-2010 18:53
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You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
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09-15-2010 18:50
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id rather check my facebook than face my checkbook!!!
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09-15-2010 18:35
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Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
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09-15-2010 18:08
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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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09-15-2010 18:07
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