Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Greek philosophers had some gangster names.

   To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.

   : now with 25% more vitamin C

   okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork

   my Facebook password is your girlfriends name

   my daughter is 6 years old and she thinks she needs thinks a training bra...if you still draw outside the lines with your crayons I think you should wait baby...

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   I got My space and Facebook mixed up this weekend... I kept telling people come on My-Face!!!

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Life isn't fair. Especially when I'm involved.

   just taught my 4 year old son how to make stick people out of tampons

   can wait for my high school reunion, he is going to be so mad I stole his girlfriend

   How the heck do you have 1,560 facebook friends? with 45 phone contacts? am I missing something here

   i was trying to remember how to throw a boomerang and then it suddenly came back to me

   : Jesus says to John, "Come forth and I shall give you eternal life"....John came in fifth...He won a toaster.

   If Barbie isn't a slut... Then why do people have to buy her boyfriends!?

   Apparently I should have Googled to see how to remove duct tape from my nutsack BEFORE sticking it there. Add that to my list of answers Google cannot find. Ouch. This is not good.

   Humpty Dumpty fell off my FB wall. Somebody poked him.

   Now I know why they call it the "California roll"!! They just as well take down the stop signs out here!!