SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.