Funny Status Messages

   There is nothing worse than the feeling of a cushioned toilet seat!

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.

   maybe or maybe not feeling ambivalent today

   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

   I get grossed out whenever I see people who have not cleaned their ears since the Truman administration UGH!

   My neighbors girlfriend across the street is blowin Leaves...He's the Mexican that lives kiddy corner from me.

   My heart is on life support and I'm seriously thinking about pulling the plug and collecting the insurance money!

   I want to be a comedian so bad but I am afraid they will all laugh at me!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   has just realized it doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full...either way it just means there is still room for more vodka!

   ...so the stumbling Cowboys play the bumbling Vikings on Sunday. Uh oh. Somebody gonna be 1-4.

   If I aimed to please, I wouldn't piss on the seat.

   needs advice and help, but not from you.

   she should win a prize for making it through the whole week without stabbing someone with a fork!

   I cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee.

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom