Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   I'm Dyslexic when I hate it

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.

   And on the final day God said ..." Let there be football!"

   " For It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. It was not my hand you held but my love. "

   I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   whats the difference between a chile mine manager and a priest? one gets his mines stuck in a shaft the other gets his shaft stuck in a miner