Funny Status Messages

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   literally there are some of you I want to hit in the face with a book, oh my god.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.