Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you