Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if common sense was made out of chocolate you wouldnt have enought to fill a smartie...

   I suggest you don't wear orange in october if you're a little on the chunky side.

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!

   My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL"

   standing in the store's personal hygene section waiting for hot chicks to walk by and as they do I spray them with Axe Body Spray. Glad I didn't $pend any $ on this s**t because the reaction I'm getting is NOTHING like in their commercials!!!

   Hates when people run their mouth and they have no idea what they are talking about.

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   Breaking News: My family is kidnapped by Ninjas I need $4 for karate lessons.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Dear Mr. undercover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas. ;)

   I don't start trouble! I just keep it going.

   I guess, I just don't get the whole, shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingee women got going on.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.