Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

   *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.

   If the cops lied about me on 17 different accounts during their investigation, I would be found guilty too.

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner

   Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

   I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.

   it happy impeachment or merry impeachment? I don't want to offend anyone.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.