Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   when I was your age I lost my tooth, not my virginity

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

   The kids next door challenged me to a water fight . . . I'm just poisting this while I wait for the kettle to boil

   if I ever wake up in a room full of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game," I'm going to be so mad!

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger . . .

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   Then God made saturn. God liked saturn so he put a ring on it.

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   [:::] is trick-or-treating for Pop Tarts [:::]

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   dressing up as antoine dodson for halloween. hide yo kids hide yo wife...

   CNN just reported "15 shot dead at carwash in Mexico", whoever the gunman was needs to be a sniper in the military, he shot everybody in the car

   I see ur playing hard to get, now watch me play walk away.

   Relastionships are like yard sales. They might look good from a distance but close up its just a bunch of crap you dont need

   Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi

   Today's productivity is brought to you by Nescafé and fox's biscuits

   How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!

   What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer