Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   Why is the list of vision providers in 4.5 font? I know I need glasses; that's why I am looking for a provider. You don't have to rub it in.

   Apparently I drank enough purple juice to make me believe I could crip walk across the dance floor last night.

   It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   Liquor Treat!!!

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   could easily become the "Crazy Cat Lady" for Halloween. I could wear my everyday clothes and pin all the neighborhood strays to them......

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish

   Ran around today shouting "I'm Free! I'm Free!" Some little kid looked up at me in disgust and said, "So... I'm four."

   I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

   WHO's GUILTY? Husband and Wife are sleeping. Wife dreaming at night suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of the window!

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   let's flip a coin. heads, i'm yours. tails, you're mine

   Dear Heart, I met a boy today.....prepare to shatter