Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   After a lot of thought and research, last night I finally made a decision on my New Years Resolution.....going with 1080p

   12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.

   National debt top $22 Trillion for the first time in US history! Recession, here we come! So much winning!

   Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.

   The deleted scene from Home Alone 2 was Trump talking to Kevin Mcallister and asking him to find dirt on Joe Biden.

   My No 1 Resolution for 2020.. Only eat white snow.

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   T Js is garbage. None of these are funny and most are reused from years ago. The prime time on T Js was from 2012-2013 now it’s just pathetic. And I’m sure the mod will delete this. But truth hurts.

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   As a Grandparent, my only New Year's resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2020 to the Disney Corporation.

   Little known fact: BILL NYE is short for William New Years Eve

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

   Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99