Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would you rather win a hundred billion dollars today and get paralyzed tomorrow or just get life in jail with a man rapist? Up for the money.... Down for jail....

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   OMG, I"m in real trouble, if anyone asks, I was on Facebook all night, I think they finally found out what I did for that Klondike bar!!!!

   Mary Poppins did a great job getting kids to take there meds...Cause a spoon full of sugar really does help the medicine go down... Its just too bad all the kids she watched got Type 2 diabetes now...

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   I don't have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   wished there was o dislike button for pics posted in fb...:|

   Whoever thought that climbing into a box and doing their thinking there didn't come up with the best idea...

   When people I don't know ask me what I do for a living I shout "Karma," and punch them before running away.

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget