Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day yesterday and ate some undercooked chicken.

   I'm so old I remember when people the only people who took something off your porch were called milkmen.

   Was texting the wife this morning from work and Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   I'm so old I remember when writing on walls used to be considered a punishment.

   I've started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

   If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.

   If you elect a president who had the nerve to fire Lil Jon in Celebrity Apprentice season 4, episode 12, you should have anticipated his disastrous foreign policy.

   I already lived through a war started on false pretenses to keep a party in power.

   .. To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.

   it just me or are there far fewer good climbing trees around these days?

   Ever want to say I Don’t Know, without sounding stupid? Say this instead: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   I will never understand how people can support someone like Craig Allen Peyer.

   I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.

   Just cleaned out my friends list and for the first time in my life I finally know what they meant in Auld Lang Syne when they wrote "Should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind"

   Big deal Times Square. I drop the ball at least 3 times a week.