Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * A cheap father told his little son that is nightlight only made it easier for the monsters to find him.

   Does it make you wonder why the mooslims in congress are so upset we took out a killer

   Its amazing how far we've come since the days of the cavemen who used to communicate with each other by writing on walls.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Good News!!! I finally received my W2's from Facebook.

   May you all have a prosperous New Year.......... I may need to borrow money.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day yesterday and ate some undercooked chicken.

   I'm so old I remember when people the only people who took something off your porch were called milkmen.

   Was texting the wife this morning from work and Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   I'm so old I remember when writing on walls used to be considered a punishment.

   I've started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

   If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.

   If you elect a president who had the nerve to fire Lil Jon in Celebrity Apprentice season 4, episode 12, you should have anticipated his disastrous foreign policy.

   I already lived through a war started on false pretenses to keep a party in power.

   .. To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.