SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   (don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   In my family, we always celebrate 11/11/11 on the evening of 11/10/11. Like they did in the Bible.

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.