Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If only dumb people were smart enough to know how dumb smart people were they wouldn't feel so stupid.

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   In reality I'm at work. In my mind I'm in a hammock with Mary Ann and Ginger.

   STARVING!!!! I'm so damn hungry that the Food Channel would look like Porn!!!!

   elegantly wasted.

   no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!

   doesn't feel sorry for those that aren't empathic.

   life is better when you decide you dont care

   I got chased by someone jogging this morning, all because I yelled “Run Forrest Run!”

   There are three major types of colour blindness. They are red-green, blue-yellow and tan-orange. Unfortunately, tan-orange is the most common.

   bored with Sunday. You should go away and ask your friend Saturday to come back.

   Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.