Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!

   accidentally burnt dinner.. probably a good thing I'm dressed like witch for everytime I open the door, smoke from inside the house comes out and the little kids thinks it's cool

   Oh, nothing just admiring the shape of your skull..

   the inside of my car looks different sober!?

   Trending Now - #1 Mindy Cohn..... WTF?

   "That Wonka is a liar!", exclaimed by my six year old son when he realized his Everlasting Gobstopper was getting smaller and changing color.

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   does anybody still reminise the days of Celebrity deathmatch?!

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!

   About that pumpkin.. line the cut edges with cooking oil to keep that jack-o'-lantern fresh for a longer time.

   the oldest I've ever been so far.

   going downstairs to see what that noise was... powers out but BRB.

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   Why is the list of vision providers in 4.5 font? I know I need glasses; that's why I am looking for a provider. You don't have to rub it in.

   Apparently I drank enough purple juice to make me believe I could crip walk across the dance floor last night.

   It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   Liquor Treat!!!