Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   Where's the dancing Kool-aid Man when you need him????

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?

   Does the Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears freak anyone else out?

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   dressing as pac-man and chasing people in burka's.

   Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker....

   Lets just say today I need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two!

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   no retreat no surrender no compromise no going back

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition