Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   All I wanna do is have my mind erased

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real damn accomplishment.

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   the font smaller, or am I on acid??

   I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   no officer, I was not texting...i was on facebook

   i text one of my boss "Whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?".He says "I dont know" .I say "I'm not cuming in this morning