Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough ... now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

   I'm just saying if she's into metric then I'd love to meter

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   "The Bachelor" should be renamed with a more accurate title: "Desperate, Dysfunctional Closet Cases Fighting Over A Player."

   How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

   If you don’t get hired for an unpaid internship it literally makes no difference. Just show up and start working. What are they gonna do, pay you?

   If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

   Welcome to Facebook - A friendly happy place where you can be pretend sociel while being antisocial.

   People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?

   If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

   WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*

   Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

   *me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*