Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Facebook - A friendly happy place where you can be pretend sociel while being antisocial.

   People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?

   If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

   WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*

   Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

   *me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!

   Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?

   Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

   : Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

   Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

   -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator

   Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”