Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 545 of 6383
I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.
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09-10-2019 13:48
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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09-10-2019 11:55
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If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.
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09-10-2019 09:59
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As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering
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09-10-2019 08:42
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I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
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09-10-2019 08:40
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me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good
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09-10-2019 08:21
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I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
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09-09-2019 17:05 by SKB
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Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
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09-09-2019 16:08
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The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.
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09-09-2019 15:52
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I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
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09-09-2019 15:51
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OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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09-09-2019 15:48
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Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
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09-09-2019 15:47
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That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.
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09-09-2019 15:46
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop
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09-09-2019 15:45
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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09-09-2019 15:45
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Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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09-09-2019 15:45
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Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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09-09-2019 15:44
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As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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09-09-2019 15:44
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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09-09-2019 15:44
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me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
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09-09-2019 15:43
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