Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Today I heard that song where the dogs bark Jingle Bells. I must admit those are some pretty talented canines. I've been working on that song with my dog for two years straight and he still gets mixed up during the third verse. He's not the brightest.

   Warning: I break for lawn deer

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   All I want for Christmas is for Santa to give me a copy of his naughty list. ;0)

   Help support heating assistance programs....Ladies post photos of your cold nips.

   Hard Nipple season has arrived! Thank you Mr. Jack Frost. Well played sir!

   I changed my profile pic to the kids from south park, since it's for the children. Seems appropriate right?

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Washington DC didn't ban a nativity scene this Christmas. They just couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin anywhere in the city

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more awkward!

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more akward!

   I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid?

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?