Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 543 of 6446

I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.
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01-15-2020 14:59
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
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01-15-2020 14:03
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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01-15-2020 13:56
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A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.
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01-15-2020 13:40
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The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...
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01-15-2020 11:40
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I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..

Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!
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01-15-2020 07:14
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I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..
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01-15-2020 07:12
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This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.
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01-15-2020 07:06
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Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?
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01-15-2020 06:55
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
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01-15-2020 06:44
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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01-15-2020 06:43
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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01-15-2020 06:40
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NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
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01-15-2020 03:57 by Fazzy
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When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"
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01-14-2020 20:08
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A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.
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01-14-2020 19:25
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Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..
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01-14-2020 16:20 by Mobe
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How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.
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01-14-2020 11:41
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The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
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01-14-2020 11:37
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This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
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01-14-2020 11:37
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