Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.

   today, when I asked my dad why wedding dresses are white, he replied; "son, all household appliances come in white".

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   sitting beside a hot girl that just picked her nose and put it under her seat... She's no longer hot.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   "You can't see London. You can't see France, until we see your underpants." -TSA

   Ahoy! wanted t' put Pirate as one o' my speakin' languages, Arrhg! Scallawags!

   Expect the entire internet to run slower for a while. 11 million nerds are sucking up the bandwidth to experience the Cataclysm.

   Dear Search and Rescue, my Appetite seems to have gone on a wrong bus..haven't seen him in days. Last seen wearing a cheese burger and some chips. If found please return to me. Pls treat as urgent. Thank you

   Dear Santa .all I want for Xmas is ur naughty list.

   Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.

   Earlier today I got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.I told them to kiss my a$$. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving..lol