Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody stops and considers with everyone getting cellphones, Clark Kent will have resort to Port-O-Potties to change into Superman. Not a very heroic image is it!?

   In an effort to act my own age, I starting dating woman at 7 years younger than me as opposed to ones my own age.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   My Christmas tree looks like Hell. I can get away with it though, because I'm a guy.

   Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!

   having one of those days where I just want to light somebody's face on fire and try putting it out with a fork!

   I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

   Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   You say my driving is out of control, I say my driving is well-planned and that particular moves require extreme skill and big balls.

   Why did the blackman buy a old police car ??....So he could sit in the front for a change...

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   I'm from a small town full of gossip. I used to catch up whenever I talked to my folks. Now whenever they tell me something, I already know. Thanks Facebook.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.