Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   its so cold outside, that my grandmother's false teeth was chattering (and they are in a jar)

   It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

   Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!

   If they REALLY wanted us to have a happy period tampons would vibrate

   "Roses are reddish, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

   I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it?

   I'm an optimist and Windows 8 will be my idea.

   All I have ever wanted is to be left alone......................in South America...............with a tribe of sex-starved Amazon women

   ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

   you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

   "Do they know it's christmas time at all?" Yeah they should. They made most of the presents.

   Dear Santa, please let me take a look of your good girls gone bad list.

   *WARNING* My caffeine level is dangerously LOW! Approach at your own risk! (this has been a public service announcement)

   Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.