SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   America, we are out of toilet paper.

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.