BEGO Funny Status Messages

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."

   There's always a wild side to an innocent face.

   Put a condom on your heart & f$ck your feelings.

   They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how old do you think Sandusky's boyfriend is?

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...

   When I see "sent from my iphone" I read it as "i'm on the toilet"

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book.