Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

   I had a blind date tonight. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Fact Checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.

   I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point North.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   I'm sure Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. .

   I’m having an out of money experience.

   My wife just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, when you're arguing with your spouse, just remind them "one of us is right, and the other one is YOU".

   Just so we're clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV community.

   I'm going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

   Gun Control means hitting your target. And so does Anger Management.

   How come when someone is missing the media makes them out to be a saint? Why not just say 'yeah their a jerk but lets find them anyway?'

   went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

   Today's International Brotherhood of Manhood Tip: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

   Yoga Pants should have a weight limit.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got the damn thing off, she had left the room.