Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The most craziest thing happened to me today...a snowman came up to me and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Unbelievable right!?! My birthday is clearly in September! Stupid snowmen....

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?

   RODEO SEX: while having sex call her the wrong name and try to hold on for 8 seconds

   A 9 year old boy goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." She says, "You're just a kid, do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," said the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   I'm going to make Christmas cookies with dog bone cookie cutters & see if anyone eats them this year!!!

   I went for a walk on the beach with this chick I liked, and we came across this dead bird. I said, "Eew look at that dead bird!" She looked UP and said, "Where??" I didnt call her again after that. :|

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   Florida school board shooter's wife says husband 'misunderstood'. Yeah, he misunderstood how to aim.

   Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve.

   Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.

   Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

   I finally found something Sarah Palin and I have in common. We've both failed Trig.