Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures

   Just to you let you all know, having a conversation under someone's post is annoying!!

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   Algebra, Chemistry, and Physics, are a few things that have driven more women to the poles than the Suffrage movement...

   there a defragment program for your brain?

   Thanks for the xmas card with your kids who I don't even know ..standing with some dog....that I didnt know you had....with some lady.. ..im guessing is your wife.....Merry xmas to you to!

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   I asked Santa for Natalie Portman for Christmas. He said "No, you'll shoot her eye out".

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   friends are like boobs...some are real, some are fake...sometimes its hard to tell the real ones from the fake ones

   Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, " no, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.