Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just hate when people put things in their status that you really didn't wanna know? I hate that. Anyways, I gotta go poop

   Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

   finding the Christmas spirit, now if only I can find someone who is in the giving mood to pay

   Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release.

   setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...

   I'd don't cheat...I merely adjust the rules to my advantage as the game is being played.

   If I had it my way my ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would be Raquel Welch, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.

   ✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.

   Notice: Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noticing this notice has been noticed.

   If I haven't seen you naked enter your name below so we can sort this problem out :P

   Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will.

   The cops found a missing person with nappy hair, crusty feet, doo-doo stained undies, holding a Happy Meal bag. I'm worried SICK... are you okay?

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   I hate when people put every detail of everything they do on here! I don't want to know about what you are doing at every moment, be right back I have to poop!