Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarah Palin has a new reality TV show. Now all she has to do is enter reality.

   If your stepbrother is gay does that make him your half sister ?

   born with no eyelids. Doctor used some of the extra foreskin from my circumcision to make some. He said I would be fine, just a little cock-eyed.

   Studies show that excessive poking can make you go blind.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. Shirley, he will be missed.

   Please stop telling me how poor you are via Facebook for iPhone.... really?

   The weather is such a slut, when its hot out it makes everyone take there cloths off, the wind is always blowing people, the rain make everybody wet, and the snow covers everybody in white stuff.

   I prefer to learn from someone elses mistakes.

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode

   I almost got to go skiing....but my husband got mad when he saw me spraying WD-40 on the bottom of his skis...

   my New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.

   French couple claims to have found 271 unknown Picassos. Suspiciously, one of them is "Still Life with McRib."

   US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."

   Am I the only one thats addicted to air?

   We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   A new study says humans are psychic, and I'm living proof of it. For example, I can clearly foresee a future where this study is debunked.

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.