Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called "neighbors." They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.

   Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on F

   Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, yell out "PIKA!" right before the sneeze

   they should change the name of Rock Band to 'Drunken Family karaoke Failure'

   Confucius Say...Women who wear Wonderbra make mountains out of molehills.

   I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

   Your igloo or mine?

   I don't have anything against your religion, as long as you don't come knocking on my door to tell me about it.

   I've been watching movies all wrong. Apparently, you're supposed to guess out loud what's going to happen next.

   Parking in the "Expecting Mother" parking spot wasn't a mistake. I'm expecting yours.

   I wonder if that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?"

   I wouldn't call Hugh Hefner a cradle robber as much as I would call his 24-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, a grave robber.

   Predicting the future is easy, no one can prove that you're wrong.

   If you hate sarcasm then stop asking stupid ass questions.

   Apparently my awesomitude outshines my kickassedness.

   small achievable dreams are better than impossible big illusions

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children – she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   Oh snap, I just dropped my cocaine in the snow. I'll never find it now.