Funny Status Messages

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?

   Why do football players wait until the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter to play with any real intensity?

   So is Tom Brady related to Marcia, Greg & Cindy ?

   Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.

   You know you're in a blue state when a no kill animal shelter is on the same block as the abortion clinic.

   What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.

   Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?

   Your dating profile said you were a night owl........eat this mouse.

   93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me