Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   My TV remote control is kicking my butt at hide and seek

   According to the Jersey Shore in order for me to become a successful Italian-American woman I must first nationally televise myself having sex with multipal men, drink alcohol like H20 and swear like Lisa Lampanelli. Where the FU*K can I get a contract!?

   Cheer leaders will live forever, Zombies only eat brains.

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Spell procrastination : F.A.C.E.B.O.O.K.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Life is a beach, i'm just playing in the sand.

   Oregon Football team has made great strides over their break. They've gone from smelling the highlighters to just coloring on themselves.

   with the birds dying in arkansas...and the eagles in philly..and the ducks tonight I think its safe to say the Aflockalpse has begun..

   Lets go Ducks! (Even if Auburn wins, in 2-3 years they will have title stripped anyway.)

   Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow.. They just moved the school and made us walk further..

   irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

   I know I'm drunk when it takes me longer than three seconds to figure out what's happening when I walk through a fan blowing air at me

   No one wants to work. Work sucks, it's just that eating thing we all like to do