Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   Sometimes you just gotta say "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts?"

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Coffee's poured? Check. Facebook's running? Check. So far so good. Now I'm ready for the day to go to hell as usual.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

   Its called investigating - NOT stalking!!

   The best revenge is success, or laxatives in cookies. ;)

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   just got a letter from The Man in Red "You have been placed on the naughty list....permanently" I can't say this was unexpected.

   Why do we protect movie ticket nerds behind 4inches of glass and a bank teller with only a pen on a chain?