Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!

   Facebook killed the Myspace star.

   ___________is so far in the closet he is finding skeletons in Narnia.

   I can honestly say that I have never left a room just because the carpet didn't match the drapes.

   the best of part waking up is folgers in my whiskey.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

   is "childish. No he's not, yes he is, no he's not, yes he is."

   thinking they should make a road paving company called Good Intentions.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

   From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES

   When you die, they'll bury you face down, so that you can see where your going.

   pretty sure he knows folks who stood in line for second helpings of 'special kind of stupid'.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   thought he saw a ninja while driving home today - turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.