Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, longjohns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me about it.

   Do you know where the nearest phone booth is located? Just I thought, Superman is screwed!

   Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...

   A chinese delivery man just dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch timing Mr. Wong!!!

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes...if not, read this again."

   I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..

   Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

   Just got an email from Myspace that said, "see what your friends are up to!". Facebook. That's what they are up to. It's over....Tom

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   Here's an idea for Christmas; Give children batteries with a note saying toys not included!!! lol

   I blame my addiction on violent movies and video games on my dad giving me the movie RoboCop when I was 5.

   If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   Banks today are sending out pre-declined offers!

   Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, and apparently forgot her name

   I'm pretty sure the Mayans just got tired of writing that calendar

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!