Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls are like universities. he spend hours looking at them, only to realise he can't get into any of them.

   can't believe he got sacked from the calendar factory...All he did was take a day off.

   Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

   If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait til you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.

   working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

   Just downloaded the new FIFA to his Laptop, tried to open the file and it said it was corrupt.

   I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!

   Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.

   of all the copyright infringements on youtube.....they leave Justin Beiber, Jermaine Dupris and Master P.....but they remove Bob Marley!! What's next....make weed illegal??

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   #1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!

   #1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates!

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   I heard your story and wanted to remind you that a sea bearing vessel loaded with male cattle is called a . . . BULLSHIP!

   #4 Girl, did you know your eyes are such a beautiful color of blue . . . It reminds me of the water in my toilet . . .

   Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number and I will post in my status which bill I paid with it or which Christmas gift I purchased. This is one numbers game I will play.

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, longjohns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me about it.

   Do you know where the nearest phone booth is located? Just I thought, Superman is screwed!