Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.

   "Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "Yeah, so did your dads condom."

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine or do they pay for it?

   can't afford these gas prices anymore..... I'm charging up Leroy's Buzz Lightyear car and leaving for work 4 hours early tonight.

   I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced….

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   To all my barbies out there who date Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, you'll be better off in life. Get that money!

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Wished they would make roads wider so I could drive sideways and not hit anything

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   If you ask me "Is it snowing OUTSIDE?" prepare to get a sarcastic response.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.