Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Women, if you have in you're possession sweats with the word 'JUICY' on them, PLEASE for the love of God, do not wear them if, when you do, the "I" is stretched so far that it appears to be a hyphen..Nothin' ( J you )--( C why ) about it...

   I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.

   just won $10 on a scratch off lottery ticket...that's right, I'm rich.

   So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?

   This weekends forecast; Mostly drunk, Scattered shots, with a slight chance of falling down.!!

   We've got to give a little love, have a little hope, make this world a little better.!

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   the best gift is the one that keeps giving Thats why I bought my wife a stripper pole this year

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...