Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I have an agreement...I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run my life.

   A friend of mine inserted an wanted ad in the Craigslist: It said "Wife wanted". Next day he said that he received a hundred replies. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

   "Cheating" is such a harsh word. I prefer "Monogamously Challenged".

   With Oprah leaving TV, the sales of big screen TV's is sure to drop.

   ‎2011 is the sum of 11 consecutive prime numbers: 157 + 163 + 167 + 173 + 179 + 181 + 191 + 193 + 197 + 199 + 211 = 2011

   Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I was on snookies facebook and poked her. Now I need to get my facebook checked for herpes.

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   Just think, next year at this time I will be able to say Happy 2012, but with an evil grin on my face,

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I'm gonna have to go ahead and agree with my body on this one.....I shouldn't have drank that......

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   cant believe he just watched the New Kids on The Backstreet Boys bring in the New Year...What a terrible way to brink in 2011

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.

   Life is too short to wake up with regrets.So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, and if it changes your life, let it. Enjoy life: you only have one!

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came back from the store with the list she gave me and now she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.