Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   Warning Labels are ruining process of elimination

   The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...

   behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man but behind a satified woman there is an exhausted man

   You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?

   somehow misplaced his copy of 'Organization for Dummies.'

   n't making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.

   Went to the doctors today, he said ive got John McEnroe syndrome... I said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !!!

   I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   Who would have thought the Detroit Lions would have played the best football in the state of Michigan this weekend?

   Anyone else wake up in a hotel room....with farm animals...If so, I could use some advice...and maybe a ride...and apparently some clothes too...some holy water wouldn't hurt either,,,,

   Lil' help ladies...If a woman says she'd rather go home and fart in a shoe box, is that "code" for something?

   Will Facebook for money.

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Camera phones are an amazing invention for the convulsively bored

   pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up, I've seen the karate kid atleast 30 times

   Evryone wants others to understand their feelings. But no one wants to understand what othrs feel