Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   the pill the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   I like to hover my mouse pointer over the "Remove Friend" link - it's like having my very own Tantalus Field.

   I'm pissed. Somebody stole my 330 million dollars!

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   Went to Toys R Us to buy my niece a Barbie Doll for her B-day. All the Barbies were $19.99 except for Divorced Barbie, which was $59.99. So I asked an employee why Divorced Barbie cost so much more. She said it was because she comes with Ken's house,

   exclusive for girls : if you want to make 0.5 KG of fat attractive ..........................just put a nipple on it :)

   Everyone seems normal.. Until you get to know them.

   yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was

   Hookers dont like to snuggle..

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   Facebook: the place where you are a nice person when you add someone and become an ***hole when you delete them.

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   thinks Arkansas is taking the game "Angry Birds" a little too far...

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson (Good Luck to those playing the powerball!!)

   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

   After telling a joke to a little sad kid, he simply asked back " do you know why the chicken crossed the road?" I said no why? He said " Because you were telling the joke at the chicken side". The end and he walked away. :/

   my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080