Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Since I've started laying crack rocks on top of all my junk nothing had been stolen and everything is organized...

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on. :(

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/

   I'm not crazy. Sheldon's mom had me tested.

   Just walked into a McDonald's and refilled my soda cup from yesterday without paying. Thug life.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.