Baddie Funny Status Messages

   "... okay, if it's a girl, we'll name her Serena Williams but if it's a boy we'll call him, Serena Williams..."

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   I'm white but I'm not "call a radio station to try to win Bon Jovi tickets" white.

   Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs head.

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   Wife: "When you're watching p orn, do you think of me?" Husband: "When you're eating cake, do you think of dog s hit?"

   UGH! A co-worker is here with kids and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm trying to look busy. This is the hardest I've worked all week!

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   I'm Mexican, but not "cut your lawn" Mexican. I will, however, steal your job and live with 28 other people.

   A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.