Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Slept with a coworker. She didn't want it to get "weird" at work. Well neither did I, so I fired her.

   Let's drink tequila till you don't remember what I suggest next..

   gone of the deep end, knowing that prison inmates can now poke me!

   Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey

   New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's

   Why can't Horatio Caine figure out Dexter Morgan is a serial killer?

   BREAKING: Taco Bell to re-brand Itself as "64% Vegan"

   BBC News: high brow. Fox News: low brow. Al Jazeera: unibrow.

   URGENT WARNING! Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to kitchen, get aluminum foil, and wrap it around your head. Stay calm and breathe through your left nostril ONLY. This is a SERIOUS problem and has been confir

   put her trousers on, is having a cup of tea, and should probably think about leaving the house at some point...

   Using your car to take your girlfriend to that place she likes.

   You know you're addicted to gambling when you spend your hard earned money on virtual chips in Zynga.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   the Egypt uprising also Sarah Palin's fault?

   All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

   Dear Taco Bell, your 35% shreds of beef are like delicious shriveled delicacys of bliss and happiness from the rainbow of a dsylexic leprekuan... But I'm a carnivore and need at least 70% real meat to continue eating your contramptions.... Please work on

   I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian

   Have you ever posted something in your status just to see how quickly someone will 'like' it?