Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!!

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Do you work at Subway?... Cuz you just gave me a footlong!

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?

   this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club...

   That little Justin Biber chick is really starting to piss me off! Why can't one of the Olsen Twins give her Herpes or something?

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

   's tip of the day: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.